Dealing with Distance: What to do when someone you care about cuts off all contact?

ewanThis article examines the feelings we have to deal with when someone we are attached to cuts off all contact and how best to approach their distance in way that honest and empowering.

If there one topic or issue that would be a reoccurring theme within my readings it would the issue of dealing with someone close cutting off or pulling away to the extent all communication has come to a halt. The person is often left with questions, concerns and general feeling of things being “unfinished.” Afterwards they then wonder if there holding on is based on an intuition or some massive denial disguised as an ongoing connection. The problem is there is not a formula or general rule to apply to these situations. Each scenario is unique and particular to the two people involved.  Often the non-communication ends and things start back up again, other times it really is the finally curtain call for the relationship.

Any tricks to make them get back in touch?

depressed-woman_f_600x250Trying to know which one you’re in is often the purpose of people having a psychic reading. As their knife-like silence and absence creates a deep anxiety and fretful feeling that gnaws away at the person stomach. They know that to keep texting my make them look like a stalker which they don’t want to be perceived as  and they may have even suffered the modern  “slap-down” of a Facebook friend delete, which just furthers the panic. All this creates a heightened  sense of having no control over the outcome. We are not willing or wanting to let go but the other hand the person has decide for now, they do. So what do you do? Is there any secret psychic trick that can get them to txt and get back in touch? The good news is there are things you can do to help you feel better and move forward. Bad news is there is no tricks and secret to get them to do anything, in that regards that silly annoying thing of peoples personal free will keeps getting in the way 😉 So for now it’s best to just stick with working on oneself as the most effective solution.

Getting in the right place

Screen-Shot-2013-09-28-at-10.41.05-AMFirst thing I would try become aware of is that if there is any emotional state  you can move into that  may help compel them to re-communicate, it is less likely to be when you are feeling insecure, needy, desperate or any of those type of feelings. Let’s face it, when any of us feels those type of feelings from someone else our basic gut reaction is pull away. When people can’t handle their own vulnerability , they certainly can’t handle anyone else’s.  If they are have already pulled back, dumping your insecurities in their direction will probably ensure more and more distance between the two of you. The hard part about not feeling so insecure, is the very act of someone we care about pulling away naturally invokes an insecure feelings. We are left with an emotional vacuum that their distance has now created , which is not easy to be indifferent to. The key here to not allowing the insecurity to spill over is to really try understand its root cause.

Shifting focus

At first glance  it may seem to be about the other person but in truth whatever we are feeling starts someplace inside ourselves .When someone cuts off we are bound to feel rejected. This can bring up feelings of low self-worth and feelings of not being lovable. Even though we know they have pulled away for their own reasons we still personalising and think they on some level there is something wrong with us that has forced them away. If we really believe that is the truth, then it make sense we want to fix it on some level ,as we are attributing their distance to being our fault. What you may find helpful is to really start working on affirming to yourself how valued and worthy you really are independent of what they do. As you sit with the feeling of being at peace with yourself, you will find that the urge or intensity of wanting to communicate, or needing them to communicate will lift. Maybe not totally but enough for you to feel it’s made a difference, as some of what you feel is your genuine desire to be back in touch but a large part of what going on is how insecure their distance has suddenly made you feel. By reminding yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure and you are whole and worthy ,will  help shift something in yourself focus wise. As the very act  concentrating first on your self-worth  moves the focus away from them to you.

Not knowing the answers isn’t as bad as it seems..

personal-bubble_04Another thing that can really make feel like we are going bonkers  is our desire of  getting answers to what’s really going on. In my experience is people often don’t pull away after giving a detailed explanation of why they are about to pull away. Especially if they know it’s something you’re not going to be happy about. Most people take the chickens way out and just drop off the radar (Its an important side note buts worth remembering that most of us ourselves cut off without notice or explanation  as well at some point in our lives. Often to avoid the discomfort that come with facing confronting emotions. So keeping this in mind can help us not get too morally superior. ) By cutting off without notice or discussion it naturally creates some big questions, to which of course, they hold the answers. Also by not giving you answers or closure they are consciously or unconsciously leaving that door open to potentially return in the future. Letting go of the question “why” will again help release some of the intensity of feelings. Sometime things in life really are a mystery. Our anxiety tells us we need answers but in truth often when you get the answers you just end up with new questions. The question of “why” has a way of drilling down without end.  Why have they cut off? Will they come back? When can I expect to hear from them? Do they think about me? Is there someone else? What do they want?  Work on admitting for today you really just don’t know and you know what, that’s ok. Maybe next week you will know, maybe tomorrow you have better idea of what happened but for today just acceptance and make peace with the fact you don’t have answers. It seems like small thing but not battling with yourself for the truth will really take away a lot of the pain of their cutting off. As in the end you’re not really dealing with them pulling away, you’re dealing with how your are handling it emotionally and mentally.

Getting closer to your own destiny….

So for now if you are dealing with persons you care about distance and non-communication try your best to firstly own your feelings and see this as an opportunity to deepen your sense of self-worth and value. Secondly don’t struggle with questions you can’t know or won’t know the answers to today. Acceptance is powerful tool in relieving stress and anxiety. At the heart of it the more you can see what happening as something meaningful and purposeful , then the quicker and more easier you pass through the whole thing. For now you don’t have to know exactly what that “meaning” is but trust in time it will reveal itself. As we see their non-communication as a some kind of painful ,but ultimately needed experience ,then rather than in a being caught in a panicked frenzy trying to get out of it, we then are able to relax into it, waiting patiently to listen whatever life is trying to tell us.

An opportunity not to be missed            

farSo there is no trick but I can say with some level of confidence and experience that the more deeply you move into a relaxed and peaceful place the greater the probability of that communication happening .Not only that, when it does, you will better be able to handle it from that point. As you turn this into a problem you need to fix into an opportunity to deepen your understanding of life and yourself. It’s an overused  statement but it true that relationship are our best teachers. Relationships that hurt and challenge us even more so. As they draw forth certain thing within us we wouldn’t be aware of otherwise. Yet this can be easily missed, as when someone we care about and are still very attached to cuts off we easily slip into the mind-set that the pain we feel will be assuaged by them re-communicating. So our focus goes into wishing and hoping to shift our external reality to, alter our internal reality. It’s here if we able to shift our focus on listening and understanding what’s going on inside of us, we allow ourselves to respond in way that have some power and influence over. We also do so with the knowing that if anything is to change in what’s happening between ourselves and someone else, by us changing in ourselves we make more tangible impact on that dynamic. So we don’t need to let go or become indifferent in wanting communication, rather we just reminding ourselves that hearing from them again , is only one part of what’s going on and a part for now we have little control and influence. So what we do have power and influence is how we feel and our ability to give meaning and purpose to what’s going on. This puts us in the present and out of an imaginary future and grounds us in the reality of what we are always dealing with in our relationships isn’t the others but ultimately ourselves.

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